Summary
Passions do not solve or evolve anything. Passions only maintain and imprison.
#FirstCoffeeThoughts
I have a friend who has a lot of different challenges in life between health, mental states, family issues etc. They complain a lot about these various challenges. Over and over about the same challenges year after year and the struggles they have just surviving.
In all of these years I have never heard them talk about or think about SOLUTIONS or the possibility of them even existing.
I only hear complaints and rapidly dwindling resilience.
My friend Osamu who is a businessman in a large Japanese industry, once told me something when we first met that kind of …. triggered me if I’m being honest.
The first part triggered me.
The second part made me stop and think.
He was teaching me Japanese and I had been studying it long before I met him. I expressed the challenges I had with language learning especially learning via books or online lectures.
He said: “𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯 –“
… and I had a knee-jerk reaction.
I immediately went into the reasons why I was not, in fact, complaining. I was EXPRESSING to him the reasons why I learned better with a physical teacher as opposed to learning strictly on my own without someone to converse with or explain concepts. It was a monologue I was giving.
He then finished his sentence: “– 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴.”
That stopped me and I asked him for a moment to collect myself and I apologized for not letting him finish in the first place.
It took me weeks of journaling and even digging back into my journals from childhood to find out the cause of the trigger.
It was related to the abuse I suffered growing up and it was something I never addressed because it really had never come up before.
My father used to talk constantly when he was whipping me especially in the early days.
Something he said was: “𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘳𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯.”
I wrote about it in my journal at the time.
It took a long time for that phrase to make the kind of sense it NEEDED to make.
I don’t know if that was some kind of twisted grooming message my father learned from his own parents or whether he learned it during his time in the army.
But when I first wrote about it, I couldn’t make sense of what it was supposed to mean.
I didn’t equate crying with expending energy, it was just something that happened as a result of the pain and terror I was experiencing, something beyond my control.
When I began learning about stoicism, it took time for understanding to take shape.
It took time for me to understand that the emotions I felt were essentially passions … emotions that had control over me and that caused me to respond in irrational ways.
It took time for me to understand that replacing passions with logic and reason and reality based thinking would create more opportunities for control; controlling myself AND my father as well … by denying him the response he craved.
My father believed: “𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘳𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯.”
Osamu reminded me: “𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴.”
Stoicism taught me that complaining keeps you in a reaction framework using emotions as fuel for dysregulated actions.
When using logic, reason, and reality based thinking, you move into a problem solving framework which gives you control over your own level of responsibility and allows for regulated action.
𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 … 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. – Marcus Aurelius
Author and entrepreneur Tim Ferriss talked about what he learned and the changes he noticed from a “21 days without complaining experiment” (created by minister Will Bowen) saying …
𝘔𝘺 𝘭𝘢𝘻𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘌𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦?
I encourage MANY to try it.
Dr. Angelou sat down in her home one afternoon with Will Bowen. She shared her vision of a world transformed by only 1% of our global population ceasing to complain. This is a powerful and inspiring video delivered with conviction.
What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.
Over the years I have refined my understanding of ALL the insight regarding this concept and I rolled it into something I now say often …
If you have the time and energy to complain, then you should dedicate the same amount to finding solutions. It’s difficult to learn or evolve in the grip of negative energy and repeating cycles that only allow for survival and don’t leave room for thriving. Passions do not solve or evolve anything. Passions only maintain and imprison.
In the time it takes my friend to complain … sometimes for hours … I could come up with multiple solutions or paths to solutions for the majority of their problems.
The amount of energy they put into talking, complaining, blaming, and using others for comfort, could be better used to putting solutions into action and potentially changing their life for the better …
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response..
There are some things that absolutely CANNOT be changed. There are some things that we have NO POWER to change.
That doesn’t mean that complaining about them serves any real purpose either.
Complaints are the fuel to keep passions burning and to keep dysregulation a primary reaction. All complaining does is lead to the destruction of mind, body, and soul … of you and those around you.
… 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘪𝘵, 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯. ― Maya Angelou
“The word Epictetus uses for gratitude—𝙚𝙪𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙨—means “seeing” what is actually occurring in each moment.
He said, “𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴: 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦 𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦.”
Complaining is a mistake of narrow-mindedness, it’s failing to get a complete view.” – Ryan Holiday (The Daily Stoic)
I have had people tell me that complaining is part of their critical thinking process … it’s how they “begin thinking”
It’s not.
Believing that complaining is the first step in the critical thinking process makes about as much sense as believing that crying is the first step in the learning process.
𝘗𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘗𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯.
If you’re interested in Will Bowen’s 21-Day No-Complaint Experiment …
𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘵, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦: 𝘨𝘰 21 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘌𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘥𝘢𝘺 0.
𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨.
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦-𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨.
