#FirstCoffeeThoughts

Everyone likes me at first but it doesn’t last. Once they understand me as a complete person, their original opinion usually goes out the window and the hate, irritation, frustration, and boredom kicks in.

I’m usually treated like a new toy by most people until they decide I’m not worth the trouble.

𝙄’𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣. I don’t do things out of the goodness of my heart. I do them to survive. I do them because I live a life grounded in reality.

I learned as a child that to understand something is better than allowing it to consume you with negative passions like frustration and hate and anger.

Understanding my parents helped me survive them.

I studied psychology, philosophy, and communications in school 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙪𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙮𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙙𝙮𝙨𝙧𝙚𝙜𝙪𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙚.

In general it’s very difficult for me to like people.

I guess it’s more accurate to say that 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨 which is nearly everyone I have ever met. I don’t have the energy for people who only want or know how to destroy themselves and take other people with them.

I’m a recluse for that reason.

I don’t think that makes me a good person. That makes me a selfish person because my focus is on my own survival.

Everything I 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣 was about surviving.

Being able to see things clearly … to see reality, to see truth, to see what other people choose not to … isn’t a blessing or a skill … it’s a curse.

Always feeling like you HAVE to do the right thing, HAVE to tell the truth, HAVE to speak your mind … it’s an awful, awful curse.

I listen, I pay attention when people talk, I remember what people say, I repeat things back to people, I acknowledge, I understand, I respond, I watch CAREFULLY … etc

𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙎𝙐𝙍𝙑𝙄𝙑𝘼𝙇 𝙎𝙆𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙎.

What I picked up on as a child trying to survive abusive insane adults who had complete control over my life, all of the cues I learned to read, all the manipulation I learned to spot, all the gaslighting and psychological manipulation I had to rise above, break free from, and/or learn to ignore …

Yes, it has all certainly served me well as an adult surrounded by dysregulated neurotypicals, dangerous mundanes, and the societal brainwashing that many fall prey to.

𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙤 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚.

I guess that for me, being complimented on surviving isn’t something I want.

March 13, 2025·Essays

Dysregulating Isn’t Surviving

Survival is a badge you earn but that doesn't mean you can use it to judge others as weak. Surviving is a choice. Your reality is not everyone's…

Read more

Conscious surviving isn’t something I want people to say “good job” or “wow you’re so amazing” about.

What else could I have done? Die? Succumb to my abusers? Lose my sanity? Fall into darkness, despair, drinking, drugs, and other trauma spirals?

𝙎𝙪𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙫𝙖𝙡 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚.

Sometimes it’s luck. Sometimes it’s the greater Universal math at work.

But mostly it’s a choice you make. It’s a decision you make every day.

And while I have seen plenty of people using it as a way of fishing for compliments … that is not why I write, why I share, why I am open and honest about my lived reality and lessons I have learned …

What HEALTHY people are usually reacting to when they meet me is the stoicism.

What UNHEALTHY people are usually reacting to when they meet me is also the stoicism.

Healthy people like, appreciate, are even attracted to the logic, the regulation and the plain speaking.

Unhealthy people are turned off by it, attack it, and think I’m always directly confronting them or insulting them when I discuss my reality or speak my truth.

Stoicism saved my life; logic, reason, and truth did.

Learning about stoicism had me asking MYSELF questions about MY OWN responses and reactions to things that were being done to me by my parents.

I couldn’t talk to them, I couldn’t know their reasons, I couldn’t make sense of why people would beat, whip, and torment their own children.

All I could do was think about and understand MYSELF and those thoughts and understanding lead me to be able to control my responses to things outside of my control and to better understand OTHERS …

The word metacognition is not a stoic term. It’s a modern psychology concept that is basically “thinking about thinking”, analyzing your own thought processes.

I knew this long before I was an adult because stoicism has DEEP focus in the idea of thinking about ones own thoughts … thinking about why you think the way you do, analyzing it, scrutinizing your own understanding of self.

For stoics, 𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛-𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙥𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙉𝙀𝘾𝙀𝙎𝙎𝘼𝙍𝙔 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙜𝙧𝙤𝙬𝙩𝙝.

I think one of the primarily differences in my survival skills compared to other people I have met who technically have not survived their upbringings and still live trapped in those filial prisons and cults … is that logic, reason, and critical thinking, analysis etc allowed me to see not just what was overt, obvious, and intentional when it came to my parents … but also what was underneath, subconscious, and unspoken; the things even THEY weren’t aware they were doing or projecting.

For example, the topic of one of my journals, THE ENTIRE journal that year, was about FEAR.

𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳. – Epictetus

Epictetus teaches to 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙜𝙤 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙛𝙞𝙘 𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙨 and instead focus on accepting and adapting to what ACTUALLY happens.

My father didn’t want to kill me. He wanted to control, to correct, to subjugate me.

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣: why should I fear what he wants if I knew I could never give it?

He wanted something intangible. He was asking for something I barely had awareness of. He was beating me because he couldn’t get it.

What was my fear about if I knew he wasn’t going to kill me? Did I fear him or did I fear the pain?

Getting switch whipped in your underwear is similar, in some ways, to getting a tattoo – your body gets used to it and stops registering the pain.

I spent MONTHS thinking about why I had fear of pain until I realized the feeling was actually rage.

Once I recognized rage in me … I could see it EASILY in my father and I stopped fearing him/it and started to let go.

I saw that what my father was thriving on was my response to him. I saw his delight. It was my reactions pushing him onward to try to subjugate me. My resistance was the wrong he felt I was doing to him. My resistance was disrespect to him.

So I stopped reacting and gave him something he couldn’t thrive on or enjoy.

It was thinking about who I WAS and what I WAS DOING and how I WAS THINKING that lead me to logical, clear conclusions about my oppressor and helped me navigate them and keep myself from being undone by illogical passions and the madness of anger.

𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙎𝙐𝙍𝙑𝙄𝙑𝙀.
𝙄 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙘𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡.

Logic saved me from an awful fate that I see almost everyone I’ve ever met succumbing to; losing themselves to dysregulation, anger, and fear and taking that out on other people.

Most people I have met are spiritually, mentally, and emotionally dysregulated and can’t handle anything outside of the reality they have crafted for themselves.

I have survived by being smart, finding joy and strength where I could, building strength, acquiring knowledge, and getting educated.

Using logic, reason, truth, reality-based and critical thinking are all in service to my continued survival in a world of 90% racist, unwell, brainwashed, and very angry people.

I choose to survive.

Most of the pain I caused others in my early years was based around how I badly handled my own struggles.

There was no way I should have been trying to build or maintain relationships with people while I was coming apart at the seams and had no real understanding of myself or how to live my life properly or healthily.

I caused a lot of harm to people during those times … but I was also barely 13 years old. I didn’t know much of anything except the pain I was in.

By the time I got to a point in my life where I could say I was at a stable place mentally, I was on my way to college where I mostly spent time allowing people to harm me.

I tried to be an extremely good person … I tried to be the best person I could be. I tried to be everything I never figured out how to be in the horrible environment I grew up in.

In the 90s I was finally free to become whomever I wanted and I wanted to be completely myself without restrictions.

For me, being a good person was about being in service to others. Showing up. Being available. Being empathetic. Being understanding. Being forgiving.

It was all the things I admired about characters I read about in my favorite books and movies. I wanted to have the kind of character that inspired and helped. I wanted to lend strength to those who needed it.

I wanted to represent what I needed to receive and rarely did. I wanted to be like the people who DID show up for me and support me.

I learned quickly that it was impossible to be myself without restrictions and still be seen as a good person in everyone else’s eyes.

I learned that basically my parents were right about that one thing; that who I was was pretty awful and unbearable and unlikeable and that the only way I would be accepted is if I learned to shut up, play the game, be more palatable, and to not ever show people things they didn’t want to see or couldn’t accept.

I learned that being myself caused harm.

That realization was … tough to stomach.

The understanding that who I was WAS the problem, that being whole, being honest, being direct, being logical, and speaking my thoughts out loud was actually creating the kind of harm I experienced growing up … was actually really devastating to me.

I had to decide between being the person I felt was most true to who was was and wanted to be … or choosing to live shackled by everyone else’s rules and their desire for delusion …

My family always considered me a bad person. My brother told his son that I was “dangerous” and to be careful around me.

There are many people who consider me the worst person who ever lived and will only tell you about how awful I am mainly because I made them feel bad about themselves or because I didn’t give them some validation.

“Good” and “bad” are subjective and dependent often on whether or not people get what they want from the people they are referring to in those terms.

I decided that being a “good” person wasn’t for me.

I realized that I couldn’t really call myself a good person if that didn’t include a desire to be palatable to others.

I couldn’t really call myself a good person if that didn’t include only being what people wanted and only being “safe” for them.

I couldn’t really call myself a good person if I put my own needs and desire to be whole over the need and comfort of others.

Being “good” required too much self sacrifice.

Then Sebastian said 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘜𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯? 𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥, 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘥, 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴?

And Delenn said 𝘞𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘺. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘵, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵.

And everything changed.

By 35 I made a decision.

I took myself out of the world. I became a recluse.

I decided that the world wasn’t for me and I wasn’t for the world.

I decided that people who couldn’t accept me as a whole person had to exit my life and that I would remain what I worked so hard to become – a fully realized, fully functional person – and that that was more important to me than trying to fit into the reality of those who would never and could never do the same.

I quit the world and focused on my own life and growth.

I settled for being the best person I could be for those most important to me.

I settled for not performing goodness for an audience and instead finding happiness, peace, and meaning on my own terms.

I settled for doing what I can, when I can.

I became someone who didn’t want to expend energy on people who couldn’t expend energy on themselves.

I became someone focused on living in peace and not fighting losing battles with dysregulated lunatics.

I became someone focused on their own interests and their own mental, spiritual, and emotional education and development.

I became someone who could only see the truth of the world and the people destroying it, themselves, and everyone else.

I became selfish.
I became a “bad” person.