Summary
Apologies are agreed upon and all about gesturing. When the depth of the bow indicates the depth of the apology, that's called theater, not truth.
#FirstCoffeeThoughts
I don’t believe in apologies because of what they ACTUALLY mean, not because of what they have become in modern language which has evolved into being less honest and more focused on comfort language.
See the problem?
defense, justification. apo “away from, off” + logos “speech”
Americans learn convenience and automatic responses but not emotional depth and responsibility.
From most people an apology is a defense of something they are not at all sorry for or about. It is a justification for something that they have no intention of changing. It is an obligatory gesture meant to placate someone they believe is being unreasonable. It has no depth and no meaning.
I have never met a person in my life who has given an apology that has any actual meaning. Apologies are lies; defensive covering. You are taught to say “sorry” … but that doesn’t mean that you have any idea what that word – gesture -actually means.
You only know that you’re supposed to say it, that it’s part of speech that follows certain actions that hurt, inconvenience, or obstruct another person. But it’s mechanical … in the same way you learn to memorize history but have no idea what it all means in context.
Americans learn convenience and automatic responses but not emotional depth and responsibility.
No harm is “accidental”. You harm another person because you don’t have the self-awareness, focus, understanding, and responsibility to consider the feelings and EXISTENCE of another. There are no accidents in this regard, only people centering THEMSELVES.
Expecting someone to apologize for something they cannot control is just as nonsensical as expecting someone to apologize for something they have no intention of changing.
It is because people refuse to learn, to educate themselves, to care about anything outside of their individual reality.
This is how and why people are harmed primarily by others … and no apology fixes that; you must fix YOURSELF.
Apologies are performative, they are not real. You cannot be sorry for something when you don’t understand what you did, how it impacted another person, why you did what you did, why it’s wrong, how it impacts you, and why you need to change.
ALL of that needs to be considered when you think about harm you are causing others – and, at the same time, yourself.
Who is doing those things? No one I have ever met in my life. No one is thinking that deeply about themselves or their behavior.
Expecting someone to apologize for something they cannot control is just as nonsensical as expecting someone to apologize for something they have no intention of changing.
Being offended by people who cannot change who they are is just as nonsensical as being offended by someone who enjoys offending others.
Do you expect apologies from disabled people for being disabled? Do you expect apologies from psychopaths for being psychopathic?
Do you expect apologies AT ALL?
Think about why …
If you are made to feel better by someone’s false words then I wager that your feelings aren’t real at all … that you’re playing a role just as much as they are.
If someone hurt you it’s because you choose to be dysregulated and illogical.
People looking for an apology – and those faking giving one – are both incapable of thinking about anyone other than themselves.
There are no accidents. There are only completely selfish and irresponsible people or people who cannot help what they do.
Apologies, and demanding them, are both performative nonsense.
You want someone to feel sorry because you are emotionally dysregulated which is ridiculous and also selfish on your part. You want to be soothed by someone else’s perceived pain, which is also selfish and emotionally dysregulated on your part. It’s all this cycle of dysregulation and having unrealistic expectations of those around you.
No one truly cares enough about other people to change and adapt themselves to the EXISTENCE of other people so asking them to apologize is a waste of time.
I can guarantee that anyone who apologizes to you is only doing so because they think it will stop you from being what they deem unreasonable, overemotional, and weak minded.
And if the apology you receive does actually stop all of those dysregulated emotions and passions from existing in your mind and body … then those emotions were just as performative as the apology you asked for. If you are made to feel better by someone’s false words then I wager that your feelings aren’t real at all … that you’re playing a role just as much as they are.
An apology won’t bring back the dead or change reality in any way, shape, or form.
If seeing someone perform an apology does actually change your reality in some way then I’d venture to say that you’re living in a flexibly delusional state … because words don’t truly change reality, actions change reality and even then … just barely.
Apologies are structured, agreed upon, and all about gesturing.
When the depth of the bow indicates the depth of the apology, that’s called theater, not truth.
Regulate yourself, use logic and reason as you go through the world, stop demanding that others manage your dysregulation for you.
Forgiveness is for YOU, not for the person you are forgiving.
Forgiveness is a form of emotional regulation, logic use, and reasoning that only YOU can do for YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with other people at all … most feelings don’t.
Your feelings are happening TO YOU and being generated BY you and being perpetuated BY YOU. Not others.
Here is a lesson from Epictetus on how to grow into a functional human being that recognizes the truth of the world and oneself in it.
Consider this an ABBREVIATED look at how stoicism works.
When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.
When you have no more collisions, you have 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐚; responding to life from reason, not impulse.
- In the beginning one blames others because they believe that both harm and benefit come from outside of themselves.
- As you continue understanding the world, you come to learn that disturbances of thinking and mood come from your own faulty judgments which causes you to blame yourself or others. When you stop illogical and unreasonable processes you neither blame yourself or others because you understand and accept the truth that everything happens according to nature and the laws of the universe (i.e. prior causes).
- You ascend when you understand that all you can do is focus on understanding and acceptance of what you CAN change and control – YOUR mind, YOUR feelings, YOUR responses. You ascend when you stop looking to the outside for confirmation, comfort, and regulation.
Anger, depression, sadness, and other states of irrational passions stem wholly from collisions of hope and reality. When you see the world – and people in it – for exactly what they are and you understand yourself fully as a human being using tools of logic, reason, metacognition, and honesty, then you have no more collisions, you have 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐚; responding to life from reason, not impulse.
Most people have absolutely NO IDEA how to actually think. Everything they do comes from a place of emotional dysregulation.
No one teaches you HOW to THINK. You learn how to PERFORM actions that resemble thoughts but the actual art of thinking – and yes, it is an ART – and the process of understanding your own mind and having control over it … I have only met a HANDFUL of people capable of doing it. People who can use higher order thinking? I have no idea where these people exist.
90% of adults suffer from chronic stress caused by EXTERNAL FACTORS.
You control your own mind, not the world.
You control your own mind, not the minds of others.
You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Stop making demands upon what you don’t control and demand better of YOURSELF.
You are the problem.
Not other people.
It’s silly to try to escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.
Apologies are justifications by selfish people for dysregulated people who enjoy theater and rely on lower order thinking to live. They are a way for people to move through life without having to do the truly hard work of understanding anything especially themselves.
People act sorry, others act placated.
Applause. Curtain.
What absolute nonsense.
