Summary
Names are tools of control and ownership and every person should, when they become an adult, choose their own name and not keep the one they were shackled with.
Elaine @thewebrecluse
January 16 2023 7:40am
One of the worst doctors I had was an Indian woman who asked me why I preferred to be called by my middle name, Elaine, and not my legal birth name. She asked me, rather inappropriately, if I was ashamed of my heritage and proceeded to give me a lecture about her own name which she grew up hating because it was different but came to appreciate as an adult.
I knew right then that I needed to find a new doctor immediately, but still … I did give her a complete answer …
I told her that my parents had unwisely and grossly decided to name both of their children after slaves and that I believed names in general were tools of control and ownership and that every person should, when they become an adult, choose their own name and in a sense begin finding their own identity outside of the grooming of their parents. I told her that I didn’t believe I should be called anything other than what I chose for myself.
𝘞𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵. 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘭, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘴𝘭𝘢𝘷𝘦.
Around this time of my life I was still considering transitioning – something I’d been thinking about since growing up in the 80s with brutal gender dysphoria – and that if I decided to go by Eli (some of my close friends call me this even now) that it would be easy to make that shift from Elaine to Eli if I wished or I might choose something else completely.
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦. 𝘋𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦.
My decision was about choosing what I wanted to take from my parents (whom I didn’t choose) and what I wanted to discard – name, beliefs, ideas, even their culture – and decide who I am.
I also told her that her assumption that I suffered from internalized racism or racially based shame was also insanely racist.
During middle school I was already deciding things about my identity, and it didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t need to be anything that a bunch of strangers – whom I didn’t choose – said I was. I was born into a prison, assigned a name, a designation (daughter, sister, indentured servant), and told that was my identity and my role in life to this “family” forever. All of that was decided FOR me and I had no choice about any of it until I turned 18 … and then I chose differently.
I don’t think many people realize they CAN choose or they end up so groomed and brainwashed by some idea of filial piety towards people who may not even deserve such reverence. My parents decided to become parents of their own will (adopting). They took on that job, that responsibility. I don’t owe anyone gratitude or respect for choosing to take on a job and then doing that job poorly.
Respect should be hard earned, especially for people in positions of power, authority, and responsibility.
The FIRST person I owe anything to is myself. I deserve to have a life that I decided for myself. My mistakes, my triumphs, my losses, my gains.
𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨: 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘰𝘮𝘴—𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦’𝘴 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘪𝘳𝘤𝘶𝘮𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴, 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦’𝘴 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘺.
Once I could think, reason, understand, and ascend my circumstances, there was no one to blame but me if I didn’t become better than and more than what my parents believed me to be … if I didn’t embrace the life the Universe breathed into that stardust that became me.
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘺 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.
