Change Is Hard AF

#FirstCoffeeThoughts

I believe that people who truly want and believe in change will change, but that’s rare AF.

No one should be lead kicking and screaming to a body of water that they clearly have no intention, willpower, or resolve to drink from.

I have always said that it is impossible to change someone from the outside. Influence is not as simple as people think it is.

Everyone lives in their own reality and that reality is as solid as yours, more so if they are in denial.

Trying to break your way into the reality that someone was born into, grown within, evolved inside, and spends 24/7 in, is NO EASY FEAT and I dare say it’s almost impossible.

You cannot change people … you can only give them a glimpse of something outside of the reality they reside in and the rest is up to them.

They will either want to step outside of their reality or they won’t … it really has very little to do with you or anyone else convincing them.

They convince themselves.

The only time people truly BEGIN TO CHANGE is when they have enough evidence to DECIDE that their reality is perhaps incorrect, unsatisfying, or has been, in some way, a lie or different from what they have believed it to be.

That’s what influence is … the power 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰, 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘦 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 …

You can only shatter the reality of someone who already sees the cracks and just lacks the tools, the willpower, or the desire to create a larger hole to fit through.

It’s FEAR that keeps people where they are 9 times out of 10.

It’s not a genuine or willing desire to be miserable, to be depressed, to be angry, to be an outcast, to be trapped … it’s FEAR that paralyzes people and keeps them walled up in places that aren’t healthy.

Do you know how hard it is to free a person from fear? What kind of time, energy, and emotional labor it requires to lift someone out of a state they have probably been living in their whole lives?

It’s a full time job.

Your one sentence or one moment of effort is only going to be the helping hand someone needs to lift themselves out of a state they were ALREADY in the process of lifting THEMSELVES out of.

They’d already decided it. They’d already confirmed what they needed to confirm, they just needed something to hold onto … something to help them through the FEAR.

So, I repeat, you can’t change anyone’s reality from the outside … only they can from inside of it.

It’s a one way door with one key.

I think a lot of the time it’s also about laziness. And by laziness I mean “averse to labor, action, or effort”.

I think that people are smart and capable and aware … but they simply do not have the time or desire to put in the amount of labor, action, and effort it takes to break holes in the reality they have known for most of their lives.

That is a full time job and most people are already busy working the full time job of simply SURVIVING the life they already have.

And yes, I mean lazy in the true sense of the word … not what the word has come to mean in the white supremacist, colonizer, capitalist dictionary where it’s weaponized to groom people into working themselves to death.

I mean: 𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘳, 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵. 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘬, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘺. 𝘪.𝘦. “𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥”.

Laziness is a direct response to OPPRESSION and when you consider that fact that many are brainwashed by oppressors of ALL TYPES from birth, then laziness makes sense.

In my communications class, one of the things that often resonated was this idea of what it means to be lazy … and why people become lazy or adopt lazy ways of existing …

Adults think their kids are lazy or their coworkers are lazy etc … and they lack the critical thinking or empathy to understand why.

After explaining to them the ACTUAL DEFINITION of the word and how it is the direct response to constant, relentless OPPRESSION, they begin to understand how AVERSION happens …

So again, when it comes to people who really need to change … I think it’s a lack of will, lack of desire, lack of tools, and also laziness; AVERSION to working under relentless oppressive circumstances; 𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘳, 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵. 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘬, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘺. 𝘪.𝘦. “𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥”.

The reality of people’s lives is already ENOUGH. It’s already HARD. It’s already relentless and despite the fact that YOU may think they could be better outside of it, the effort isn’t possible.

Change – true change, real change – takes YEARS or DECADES of constant effort, constant vigilance, constant awareness. Where do you think people get that kind of energy from in the world we exist in today?

They need more than just support and a kind word, they need CONSTANT support, they need CONSTANT supervision, they need tons and tons of energy and willpower to do things without backsliding.

Who has that time? Who has the FREEDOM and the PRIVILEGE to do all that?

Think about it …

So unless you have the ability to change someones circumstances so they don’t have to worry about work, children, family, bills, money, the world, their health, their culture, etc, stop expecting people to change their entire reality just from reading a book, listening to a podcast, seeing some optimistic graphic, or even from your constant and well intended support.

You cannot change anything from the outside.

People’s reality is a ONE WAY DOOR with only ONE KEY and you don’t have it.

This thread kind of goes hand in hand with the other one I wrote about checking your privilege …

Because I often hear people say they have done the work to change or they have overcome something and therefore “anyone else can too” kind of bullshit. The whole 𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙙𝙤 𝙞𝙩, 𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙣’𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪? fuckery that people who have no CONCEPT OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF THEIR OWN say in relation to change …

Not everyone is you. Not everyone has the same reality or circumstances as you.

People have different circumstances. People have different BRAINS. People have different learning capabilities. People have different mental cognition levels. People have ENTIRELY DIFFERENT REALITIES.

So whatever you did, whatever you overcame, however you did it, whenever you did it … has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE and what they can or cannot do.

You don’t know anyone’s reality. You don’t live it. You have no business making assumptions about it.

You’re not them.

Remember what I’m always saying and quoting from my friends the stoics …

𝘼𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙚𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙝𝙤𝙥𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮.

Stop expecting people to change. Stop being UNREALISTIC about what people are actually capable of. Stop making assumptions about people’s lives. Stop relying on the lie of hope which creates unrealistic expectations and assumptions based on things you can’t possibly know, predict, or control.

Get REAL. You can’t understand anyone else’s reality.