Summary
I grew up in a household where no one saw me as a person with a heart and soul of my own. Now just being ME is one of the most important things to me.
#FirstCoffeeThoughts
Watching The Equalizer this morning and one of the prominent messages was about performative protests versus the dangers of real protesting (being arrested, getting hurt or killed). There was also an underlying idea that not everyone is capable of doing physical protesting for whatever reason and how those people make their moral integrity known. It’s a valid discussion and I don’t believe that all outward acts of personal or moral integrity are performative acts.
You all know I’m constantly saying that everyone’s reality is different and you can absolutely NEVER know anything truly about what someone is going through or what their life is like or what their personal circumstances are like … You have NO CLUE even when it comes to people who may be close to you … everyone is living in their own mental, physical, and spiritual reality and their reasons for doing things – or not doing things – is not always going to be immediately clear or known.
I think social media has allowed people to be able to voice their personal and moral integrity in ways that work for them …
As a stoic and a realist I’m aware that while social media has power … that power is generally only working in the most negative of ways more than it is in positive ways. That doesn’t mean that social media doesn’t have a positive impact on lives – it absolutely does – especially for those whose voices, stories, and realities are rarely acknowledged.
While it is impossible to change someone’s reality from the outside and such people will never be swayed by education or truths that come from random strangers online, it is helpful for those that ARE interested in broadening their minds and ARE ALREADY seeking additional or new information to add to their understanding of other people’s realities. I think social media’s impact on lives is best seen in that capacity, not in trying to be the crowbar that pries open locked doors.
Social media has power and that power is generally only working in the most negative of ways.
My view on performative acts is going to be different from most people’s and that’s because MY REALITY is also different from everyone else’s … my truth is going to be coming from different information, different input, different experiences, and a completely different life. My truth isn’t THE TRUTH, it is only one truth specific to MY LIFE and my viewpoint of living THAT LIFE.
I think 90% of stuff online IS performative. I think it exists solely for OTHERS TO SEE and acknowledge.
I think most content is created by people because they want that content to be seen and they want people to acknowledge them as a particular kind of person. I think most content changes depending on what the most popular kind of performative messages are and I think that same content will cease when the majority of the social media audience has moved on to something new. I think most content doesn’t truly reflect the entire life or foundation or integrity of the person posting it.
I work on being 100% my most authentic self here on CoSo. I only post things that are a part of my daily life as a person. I only post about the things that are of interest to me or that stand out to me personally. My feed is not terribly varied from that and maybe that makes me seem like a single-minded, boring person … but that’s fine because honestly, most people are that way. Most people are only into what their into and are fixated on those things that bring them the most joy.
I spend most of my days gaming, writing, catching up on news about media, talking to my friends and students on Discord, and creating content about stuff I’m into like comics, cigars, audiobooks, Kdramas, and TV that my friends work on. That’s it. I post about the things things that effect my quality of life ON A DAILY basis … health, pain, racism, white people, men, bullies, doctors, and hateful, angry, dysregulated people. Those are my truths and that is the reality of my life.
I’m not that interesting. My life is boring AF to the average person. I’m agoraphobic. I’m a recluse. I don’t travel. I don’t do outside things that involve others. I have 4 friends and 99.9% of all I do is online only. Everything I have come to be is the result of an abusive childhood and being the victim of mentally ill people who didn’t care about the damage they caused to others. My view of the world is one of realism without delusion or self deception. I am honest about who I am.
When I am gone no one will remember that I existed. I will not have made much of an impact. Most people who have known me don’t like me and don’t have a kind word to say about me.
This is just simply who I am. I use social media to document my life for my OWN purposes … so that I don’t become so isolated in my agoraphobia, so that I don’t cut off all contact with the outside world, so that I try and allow people as close as is comfortable … because I have been on the other side of that … I have been 100% cutoff from human beings and it resulted in very bad things happening to my mind and spirit. So I have to push myself to never let that happen again.
Why and how I use social media is SPECIFIC to ME and what I NEED to make sure I do to take care of myself as a person. It’s not really about other people as much as it’s about me trying to remain human … and healthy … and true. If other people benefit from that … great. If I can share my very real struggles, my mistakes, my knowledge with people and it does some good … that is is amazing and makes me happy to know because none of us are here for just ourselves.
I often say … “we can only ever be ourselves”. I say this often. I also say … “do you”. Both of those statements represent things I deeply believe. I don’t believing in changing to suit others, I don’t believe in compromise that means carving parts of yourself out in order to make other people comfortable. I don’t believe in being something you aren’t for others while you lose who you are for yourself. I believe you have to be true to yourself, whatever that is, however it looks.
People use social media in different ways and for different reasons … and you can never truly know what someone’s reasons are unless they explain them as I just did. But I’m painfully honest about who I am, what I am, what I struggle with, what my truths are … what is there to hide? This is my life. I can’t hide from it. There is nothing to show or perform … there is struggle and pain and failures and triumphs and that’s just life … that’s just what life looks like for me.
Whether I am “seen” or not is irrelevant. I was never.
I’m not here to perform for anyone … I’m here to be honest and to be free to speak my mind and express myself without death threats and rampant racism and insane people. I’m here to be me and maintain some kind of connection to human beings instead of retreating into darkness and giving up on a very difficult life … I’m here to find strength in other people’s kindness and honesty and learn from others so I can reach for betterness and light and share that with other people I encounter.
When I am gone no one will remember that I existed. I will not have made much of an impact. Most people who have known me don’t like me and don’t have a kind word to say about me. I am the only person who can write my story and leave something of myself behind … something that is real and true and representative of the life I lead every day. The boring, simple, existence I had that I tried to make the best of. I was here. I existed. That is all it is.
Do you.
If you is performative and follows the trends and does the whole monkey see, monkey do thing … that’s your business. That’s your reality. That is how you choose to exist in this world. As long as you aren’t hurting people, spreading misinformation, doing damage, or perpetuating the cycle of abuse and trauma … who gives a fuck about your performances online? Who cares what you use your space online for?
Do you.
Don’t hurt people.
Don’t make the world worse.
That’s it.
I grew up in a household that didn’t believe I had any value.
I grew up in a household that didn’t believe in any kind of freedom of speech or thinking or individuality.
I grew up in a household of people who never saw me as a person, as something with a heart and soul of my own.
At this point being ME is one of the most important things to me. Whether I am “seen” or not is irrelevant. I was never.
My life is about ME and having the freedom to be and celebrate me is the gift I gave myself.
