The Answer Is 10

#FirstCoffeeThoughts

I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a reel where this woman, who was autistic, was reading a math word problem where it showed a dining room table with 10 chairs and the world problem was about how 6 people came to dinner so how many chairs remained … and she was like there are still 10 chairs. The chairs don’t disappear because people sit in them.

And I got really, really triggered. I got really upset. It brought up something for me.

I was in “Special Ed” in elementary school because very little that we were learning made sense especially when it came to math.

I know now that what I was struggling with was dyscalculia but of course no one knew that was a thing back then. I also know now that I don’t think or process like everyone else … and not because I am broken or because there is something wrong with me.

I asked A LOT of questions as a child. Questions that got me into a lot of trouble. I was obsessed with things like “fairness” and “things making sense” because things never were and never did.

Being in special ed at that age was rough and confusing.

There were legitimate “special needs” children in my school and I was not one of them. There were kids with real difficulties learning and Down(s) Syndrome who back then people just called “mentally retarded” etc. And somehow I was grouped in with these kids and was learning at a pace that didn’t make sense for how my brain worked while also being told that this was where I needed to be because I didn’t understand “basic math” or “simple logic”.

One time when my father told me to wash my hands before dinner I asked what it was in soap that made our hands clean and he beat me with a belt until I had welts on my body because he thought I was “being smart”.

“So you think you’re so smart?” was often something I heard growing up from adults who thought every question or every point of confusion was me challenging them. “Being smart” was a meant to signify that I thought I was better than everyone instead of simply being me trying to understand the world in my own way.

When I was talking to @IronButterfly about this she was saying how that when she asked similar questions in school she was put in the gifted program … and I said well of course because you’re white. Everything she did was celebrated and recognized whereas I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood with people who were inclined to assume I was stupid or uppity … not that I was actually exhibiting behavior that should be encouraged. I was beat down, not lifted up. I was the problem.

By the time I got to high school I’d stopped trying.

I was a C and D student because I really never saw the point or learning in the way that everyone wanted me to. Nothing I was learning made sense to me and didn’t seem very useful but also the process of education was one I barely understood but I knew enough to know it wasn’t for me or about me … it was about everyone else.

𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘶𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯. – Me (Age 15)

It wasn’t until I got to college that I was properly diagnosed with things like dyscalculia, anxiety, PTSD, and even early aspects of what would become neurodivergency.

When I got to college I had a partial scholarship because my mom worked for the University. I stayed in college for as long as possible … working, taking random courses, just LEARNING. I was in college for like 7 years and I loved it because I could learn in my own way …in a way that made sense to me and at my own pace. I loved it because I was away from home and all the people that tried to tell me there was something wrong with how I wanted to learn and what I wanted to learn. I was in a place where I could be my whole self and find out everything I ever wanted to know.

The Instagram video really got to me. Like something crawled up from my stomach and into my throat when I was listening to her try to understand why the answer to the question was 4 and not 10.

There were tears in my eyes because I could remember my own process of trying to get everyone else to understand my way of thinking and no one ever did … all I got was punished … or beaten … or simply discarded as hopeless or broken.

No one ever listened to me.
No one ever understood me.
People still don’t.

Why? Because how I see the world DEVIATES FROM SOMETHING TAKEN AS A STANDARD.
That standard is INSANITY as far as I’m concerned. It’s madness and it’s delusion.

What if the standard is just simply wrong? Why is seeing truth considered neurodivergent?

There are 10 chairs. There will always be 10 chairs.
No matter how many people sit at the table there will always be 10 chairs.

If you think there are 4 chairs left it’s because someone forced you to understand the world according to their bad communication and lack of logic, not because it’s TRUTH.

There are 10 chairs remaining.
There will always be 10 chairs.
No matter how many people sit at the table there will always be 10 chairs remaining.

That is TRUTH. That is not me being smart. That’s not me being problematic. That is not me “pretending to not understand what is trying to be said”. That is the fucking truth and it will always be the fucking truth.

If you want sane people to answer your ridiculous questions then learn how to communicate properly and ask what you really want to know.

If what you want to know is how many chairs remain empty after 6 people are seated at the dining room table … the answer is 4. If you want to know how many chairs remain after 6 people are seated … the answer is 10 because the number of seats hasn’t changed, only how many of them are OCCUPIED BY BODIES.

The entire education system is about forcing you to change how you actually see reality and alter how you understand the world around you. It’s about brainwashing you to be less than you are and more like how others are. And when you won’t conform … when the brainwashing doesn’t work on you … you get punished.

You become the asshole.
You become the enemy.

If you think I’m an asshole for answering 10, I think you’re an asshole for not knowing how to ask what you really want to know.

If knowing there are 10 chairs remaining around that table makes me the enemy then fine.
I’ll be the enemy while you lose your whole damn brainwashed mind.

Enjoy that.