Summary
Selfishness is about you putting yourself first at the EXPENSE of someone else. SelfNESS is putting yourself first so you can be your best FOR OTHERS.
Elaine @thewebrecluse
February 6 2023 9:35am
I’m not a person who holds grudges though people have accused me of this – my parents especially – but more I make an assessment of someone’s behavior and patterns and make a decision about where they should be placed in my life – if anywhere at all – and they stay where I have placed them. It’s really that simple. It’s a decision for my own safety and wellness. It’s selfNESS, not a grudge. People with negative behavior patterns, emotional dysregulation, selfishness, etc … they go outside of my personal circle and stay there.
If you don’t set boundaries, you’re being very foolish and you’re not putting yourself first – which you should ALWAYS. Not first in a selfish way, first in a SELFNESS way.
Selfishness is about you putting yourself first at the EXPENSE of someone else. SelfNESS is putting yourself first so you can be your best FOR OTHERS.
You cannot serve others or give your best energy or best attention to those you love if you’re exhausted, negative, and mentally depleted yourself.
SelfNESS is something you do in service to the world around you … it is making sure you’re as healthy as you can be so that those around you don’t suffer because of your suffering. It is to ensure that you do not hurt others or take your pain and negativity out on them because you’re unbalance and not taking care of yourself fully. SelfNESS is UNselfish and is focused on those outside of you.
I set CLEAR boundaries and rules and they are UNCHANGING because most people are themselves.
Negative people, unwell people … they are very similar to addicts. They apologize, they make promises, they say they will change, they try for a while, and sometimes even with support and unconditional love, they cannot stay away from those dark places and they cannot give up the pull that it has on them. Some people thrive on negativity, some people refuse to seek professional help, some people LIKE hurting and using others … change is RARE in most people but not for lack of trying.
My boundaries don’t change because I have NEVER, in my 50 years of life, met someone who has.
Change is hard. Change is constant hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly work … it is MINUTE to MINUTE self-awareness, analysis, TRUTH, self- regulation, LIFE CHANGES, and more. Most people don’t have the time, energy, or dedication to become better people …
Some do and those hardworking people are worth your time, support, and energy absolutely.
But everyone else … don’t be fooled.
I work 24/7 on myself … all the time … mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have dedicated decades of study to multiple disciplines including psychology and philosophy … I am FOCUSED on myself and my life as a teacher, as a guide, and as a friend in the most positive manner possible. But I also have the privilege of TIME and flexibility and freedom to do that. And even then … I falter often … and as soon as I do, I make changes. I document, I analyze, I consult … I alter.
I don’t expect many people to be able to do what I do … to have the time, energy, and freedom to dedicate themselves almost solely to life change and mental, physical, and spiritual pursuits and balance. That is an impossible expectation.
What I do expect from people is an understanding of why I have boundaries and to respect them.
I respect people’s inability to make change. I respect people’s inability to have the time, support, and resources to be healthy …
So, respect my boundaries.
