Results Focused Abusers

Summary

I believe that my journey, wisdom, and growth throughout a difficult process is more valuable than the end result. Pain is not a necessity for achievement.

One of the most significant differences between myself and a friend of mine is that they are results focused and I am performance minded. This difference causes huge disconnects in how we see the world.

They worked hard most of their life, growing up poor and without support. Working several jobs, sacrificing health, making hard choices … in their mind the result of all that was “success” so anyone who doesn’t work as hard as them is less than or lazy or doesn’t deserve as much.

I am performance minded … so I tend to focus on everything that I did to get where I am. I also worked hard, made sacrifices, had little support but I don’t see the end result of all that as “success” …I see the PROCESS of all that as a part of several steps that brought me to where I am.

When I look at people who are working hard and struggling … I see that as a process, and I see that as valuable, and I recognize what that takes because I remember that process for myself.

My friend barely remembers their process because it was awful and traumatic for them. They only remember that in the end they “succeeded” and when they think back on what brought them to where they are, they only remember the pain and trauma. That rolls into transference of anger and regret that they place onto others … it becomes judgement.

Because I valued my process instead of hating it, I don’t transfer anything into what I see others doing except empathy and understanding.

Result focus and performance minded people come at work VERY differently and that is not to say that both ways of seeing things don’t have value … but they have more value as a combined way of seeing an overall system of achievement rather than individually as ways of assessing the value or “success” of others.

I would never define a life of misery, trauma, failing health, lost opportunities, anger, judgement, distrust, and lack of support … as “success” but they do and that says a ton about them.

To me life is a journey … and success or failure is a result of many factors, some that are within our control and some that are out of it.

Performance minded focus means I think the entire process of getting from point A to point B is valuable and necessary and that it doesn’t always lead to “success” but that the entire journey is worthwhile if it leads to wisdom. As a result of this outlook, I have more empathy for those who struggle, and I am more willing to lend my support to others.

My friend believes that their pain is an indicator of success and therefore thinks people who want to succeed should suffer.

I believe that my journey and wisdom and growth throughout a difficult process of struggle is more valuable than the end result, so I don’t see pain as being a necessity to achieving anything.

These massively different viewpoints of life create irreconcilable differences between us that drastically limits how much positive interaction we can have.

Having a belief that people who don’t work hard enough are lazy and that people who are suffering and complain about it or struggle are somehow weak and not deserving of success is abusive … it is anger … it is someone who suffered transferring that onto others and wanting everyone to be in as much pain as they were. It’s how people who were bullied become bullies. It is how people who suffered come to reconcile and justify it in order to survive and then place that expectation on others.

It is sad. It is negative. It is wrong.

Understanding why people hurt people isn’t hard. People are often motivated by base emotions and those base emotions are simple to track. It takes a lot more effort … but it’s not that difficult.

In that garden of understanding empathy can grow and there can also bloom forgiveness … not just for the person but for others as well including yourself.